the dreaded plateau...

After one has lost 30 pounds, one feels elated.  For a short while anyway.  Now I find myself stuck and frustrated.  I eat well, not perfectly clean...I nurse my sweet tooth and have a sorted addiction to diet coke.  Not all day, but a couple every day...not so bad when you consider diet coke replaced wine!  And so now here I wallow, on a plateau of woe & misery. 

What I really want to do is sit and eat a red velvet cake with my bare hands and just squirt the delectable frosting in my mouth...

But I won't.

I will find a way to kick it into high gear....right after my sweet love affair with red velvet.

L.O.V.E.

happy st. patricks day!

This is the third st. pattys day without our three Irish beverages of the past...green beer, guiness & boddington. Sober living has most definitely changed the face of our Irish celebration, but I have embraced the holiday as a fun family festivity...rather than a wicked long hangover.  Tonight I made my first corned beef & cabbage dinner.  The girls were brave, but not fans of the fatty meal.  The husband was kind as it wasn't quite done to perfection.  And, the dessert...a trifle of layered green cake, green vanilla pudding and whipped cream was a grand success. 

To say I've been a lucky gal is a supreme understatement.  I owe a lot to the luck that has given me such a wonderful life that I live.  I might stress & worry my fair share, but only because I treasure this crazy little world that we have created.  We don't have all of the things that we'd like to have, but we have all that we need & more. 

live to eat....or eat to live.

I have a serious love affair (addiction) with my food.  I absolutely love everything about nutrition and learning about food and how it nurtures our bodies and how our bodies accept and reject foods.  I read about it, understand it and (for the most part) apply it...except.  Except when it comes down to the forsaken.  The sweets.

I have done so well to eliminate foods from my diet. I will not touch a donut.  I made that decision years ago, when I decided I was going to lose the weight...donuts were a HUGE (pardon the pun) obstacle for me, so I decided we would have to part ways...as well as scones, cakes, pies, brownies...pastries in general, fudge, rocky road ice cream....and I lost some weight.  Voila!  Even better, I've maintained the weight loss.  I'm not where I would like to be.  But I know, at this point, I need to kick it into high gear.  Which, I have been slowly gearing up to do.  I have the plan, I have the tools, I've been running to increase my endurance.   Doing all the right things....right?  Well for love of everything unholy...I can NOT keep a dessert out of my mouth to save my everloving life.  Yesterday, I bought cookie dough to make cookies for the bake sale, and I pretty much ate my weight in cookie dough!  WHAT?  One would think after a few bites I would stop myself....and I considered it, but I didn't stop. Oh no.  I did not stop.  Not only did I NOT stop...but after my workout, I had McDs!  Only because our schedule has been so crazy and going from the gym straight to the school for our fabulous flamin' raymin show...but whatever-- no excuses here, so McDs it is.  I did not get the grilled chicken snack wrap, hold the sauce...I got the burger WITH the EFFING fries (WTF is wrong with me???)  One might say, "Sara...get a hold of yourself!"...but I did not stop there.  OH NO.  Staring at a table full of brownies & cookies (that I had already had my fair share of, ahem.) cupcakes...and wouldn't you know it...I spy fruity pebbles marshmallow treats.  I have ALWAYS wanted to try those...and I so did.  I murderized that beast.  Even when my body was done and wanted no more...it was my brain saying (in a very threatening tone, might I add...)  "you have already done it, you have already eaten most of this delicious tasty children's treat...you are going to FINISH. every. last. bite."

Again today...have I refrained from the rice krispie treats?  or the brownies?  or the brownies with frosting laced with corn flakes (interesting little twist)  Nope.  Those miles I ran last week, were cheapened by my complete lack of commitment in these two days filled with edible sin.  I am weak.  I am so very weak.  I need to break this cycle.  I need to stop the madness!!!

WHAT must I do!?!  I need a detox.  I need a plan.  I need a straight-jacket.  I need a padded room.

giving thanks.

Looking  back on my life, I can definitely recognize the valleys and the peaks.  I know that I am at a peak right now.  I am blessed to have moments that I feel driven to kneel in prayer and give thanks for this life I have been given.  It's not perfect...we don't have all of the 'things' or the 'money' that we want...but I have countless treasures outside of those categories to be thankful for.  I have been given just a glimpse of how fleeting my time is with the girls...and although patience can be a virtue not often found, as of late, I find myself wanting to hold on to this time with my little ladies.  Marriage after 10 years isn't always a state of bliss, but to look back and see the valleys we've walked through, blind at times, I know that we are blessed to have hung on for dear life.  It was worth it.

I have been giving myself more time these days.  Time to get back in touch with me.  Time to exercise, time to be quiet and think.  Just time.  Because I'm finding out...I'm worth it too.  I have gotten in touch with my inner runner...I had a feeling she was there, I just wasn't very motivated to find her...and I think I like her.  I'm shocked to even think it!

Life is so very strange.  I always suspected that I might be a little backwards, but as friends dread getting older I just love it!  I am loving my thirties!  Love it!

decisions.

There is something daunting about adult decisions.  Especially when it comes to the girls.  Making decisions on their behalf.  Will they love it or will they hate it?  Will it be good for their education or will it hinder their education?  Will they flourish or flounder?

I'm beginning to think this whole "follow your heart" system is flawed.

bollocks.

and here we are.

My first entry of 2013.  Not a peep about a new year, new aspirations...resolutions to be great and do great things.  Truth is, I don't think I've stopped moving since the holidays (besides a few sick days right after Christmas!)  To be accurate, I don't think I've stopped moving since September!  I've had a certificate to the spa since my birthday...and it sits, tucked safely in the gift bag waiting for me to snatch it up and go relax in the sweet bliss of oblivion.  Knowing myself, as I do, I'm pretty sure I would sit and pine about my list of things I need to be doing rather than enjoying being in the moment. 

Note to self: go to the spa and enjoy being in the moment.  Right.

I am stuck.  This last week has been a doozey for me; try as I might, to visualize a solution to my internal struggle to a communal problem...I have yet to take action or make my position known.  Where do I sit?  This is the age old, if you're not with us...you're against us.  Does peer pressure really exist at this age...really?  ...if I really sit still and focus, and shush all of the internal chatter and mind- boggling debate, what it boils down to is this.  I know what is right, I know that no matter what position I take, somebody won't like it.  I know many don't like me and how I operate.  I'm ok with this.  I'm just a girl.  I'm a girl who likes to flit through life...I am sober and unapologetic for what comes out of my mouth...and with that comes a greater responsibility to filter what DOES come out of my mouth.  I'm not very good about filtering. I am thankful for a group of girlfriends whom I can be unfiltered with...it makes the difference between sanity and pure madness.  I believe kindness and a smile do make a difference.  The darkest times in my life are those when I didn't care how others felt or how my actions would effect another.  I do believe in choosing the right.  I do believe in being a good example.  I believe that if I just sit still long enough and visualize and pray...maybe, just maybe, I can handle myself with just a little grace.  Maybe.

and that's a wrap.

Republicans weep across the nation.  The election is over and Obama is still in the house.  Literally and figuratively.  I had my doubts that Mitt Romney would be able to swing it...I think maybe he's a bit of a mystery to the American people.  We talk of the American dream, but is it really attainable while maintaining a squeaky clean life???  Couldn't be, some may say.  I think it's so rare, that some think it doesn't exist anymore.  Add that to the ever diminishing conservatism within our society and a (let's face it) very charismatic chameleon of a President and it was over before it even started.  The evening started so hopeful and energetic, only to be replaced with that sinking feeling while you watch the results unfold.  Truth be told, I felt that Mitt Romney had a hard time connecting with the average American and communicating his concepts and theories.  He is a business mastermind...socially-awkward shouldn't be such a shocking trait.

I have been watching the posts over the past 12 hours...some express joy, others express disappointment...even anger?  Some feel fear... And yet others, even Romney supporters, are still hopeful.

We are told the times will get worse. We are told that good will be called evil and evil will be called good.  And we are told to prepare.  I'm not a doomsday prepper, as some might call themselves, but I have my share of anxiety.  Do I think something catastrophic will happen that will bring the apocalypse to pass...that would certainly be an act of God and I think no matter how we prepare physically and temporally, the goal there will be to have prepared spiritually...that's a completely different post, not even going to touch it!  The truth is.  I love my husband and my children so much that I would go to great lengths to keep them healthy and secure.  If we are in any sort of situation (hello restore the shore) where my family is cold and hungry - it would absolutely destroy me.  That, in essence, would be my own private Hell.  It brings my heart great comfort to know that we have prepared, that we taking precautions.  We live in a place that has been hit by devastating storms, last year was mild...but the talk about town is that this is going to be a tough winter.  What is the harm in preparing for an emergency situation?  Zombies...probably not.  Ice storm...absolutely. 

 

Maybe it'll work out, maybe not.  But for right now, we are healthy and happy.  For now, we support our local government and we teach our girls about life, love and liberty.  We teach them that red, white and blue still means something and when there is an opportunity to vote...you VOTE.  To prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  To love and respect our Savior and seek faith over fear.  As for the bridges, we'll cross those when we come to them.