ten weeks, two days, and counting...

I've decided that I'm ready to write about ten weeks & two days ago...the day I learned that the life I lived was not the life I thought it was.  The man I have been married to for a decade was not so much that man I thought I knew.  To be fair, we have been distant for most of our marriage, disconnected...superficial.  We have always done life well, but we are the masters of distraction.  Looking back, I have written quite a bit about the constant distractions and the overwhelming levels of broken satisfaction we got out of never stopping long enough to see reality.  The subconscious juggle of not really wanting to look suspicion in the face.  I'm not quite sure where this story starts.  Does it start when we fell in love? Can you really call it love? Did we ever REALLY fall in love? Does this story start the day we got married and vows were spoken among the veil of lies?  Does it begin with the prayer, the night I began to feel the sweet spirit warn me to prepare myself for the storm that was rapidly approaching? Or the night the beginning of the truths were shared?  The first words of truth being spoken in our home, truths which would be delivered throughout much of these past two months among countless lies.

I'm not sure of much at this point, but there are a few things that I believe wholeheartedly....

as much as I suffer now, trying to grasp the reality of this past decade, my husband has suffered a lifetime.

as much as I am hurt about the truths I have had to hear, my husband anguishes about the hurt he has caused me.

My husband is paralyzed by an addiction that he is trying to unravel and pull the plug on.  This addiction took  root in my husband as a child and has buried itself so deep within the man I married...that he struggles to find himself in what is now the vast desolation.

Even though I have felt lost, alone and so very broken, I know my faith has sheltered me from this storm that continues to fiercely wage on.  I have felt doubts and I have thought thoughts that are darker than I ever knew existed within' me.  For each moment I have thought..."I can do this" directly behind it was a tsunami of destruction leaving me even more devastated than before.  I have begged for the sunlight to break through the storm, although I have seen glimpses, the warmth of the sun has yet to make an appearance.  In my darkest moments, I have begged for the end of all as I know it as my heart has broken in ways I couldn't fathom.  I feel I now understand now where the soul exists.  Somewhere in between our physical being and the veils of the spirit world, we are connected in a way that links us to both realms. I believe the soul is the element that binds the physical and spiritual.  I have felt sorrow to the depths of my soul, and seen my husband grasp at the very strings of his soul as he processes the reality of his path, both past and future.  Change is hard, especially for somebody who retreats into the darkness of addiction.

... what I know for sure is that there is strength to be found in weakness.  I will only break if I allow this to break me.  I seek for understanding and a greater faith than I even knew possible.  

Ten weeks and two days ago, life as I knew it came to a screeching halt. My new life has been dark and has felt utterly impossible to maneuver.  However, I am growing to understand that the past was lit with artificial light and no matter the path ahead, each step is taken deliberately to a life more genuine than I've ever known.  I only need just enough light to take the step in front of me, and the faith to know that it is my Savior who is holding the candle.

less is more.

I thought I would try to sneak in one last post before we say 'so long' to July and welcome in August.  July is always our month of celebration and excitement...August is our month of grasping at the last sweet days of summer.  Summer has taken new shape in our home this year...the girls are enjoying late nights and late morning slumbers.  I am enjoying quiet mornings, which will come to a screeching halt in just a few weeks *sigh....

As far as our eating goes....I was finding myself a bit stressed and decided to adopt a 'less is more' attitude.  We've, for the most part, been successful at embracing a meatless diet.  Dairy - not so much.  In a nutshell:

gluten free: unless it's done with very high quality products, recipes and huge amounts of effort...gluten free is a highly processed and a high glycemic alternative to whole grains.  I miss my whole grains...but have cut way back on the whole wheat.  I'm getting a lot of fiber from the rest of my diet...and enough is just enough.

dairy: I love my cheese and I miss my yogurt.  I have found some alternatives that I do enjoy, but why spend my life gagging down foods I don't enjoy???  I find that I do feel a heavy heart knowing that living creatures are seriously abused and mistreated to produce these amazing foods for us, 100%.  I have decided that I need to find a peaceful balance in this battle of nurture vs nature.  We have replaced milk with almond milk.  All are happy = all is well.  We have given 11 beautiful chicks a lovely home, they truly are a part of our family (although we still struggle with what to do with our beloved meat bird...bit of a quandary)  I have cut back on our cheese consumption, but let us let facts be facts - some recipes just NEED cheese.  I will research a local means of having fresh and friendly cheese in our diet.  And I just need my yogurt.  That is all.

soy: processed soy = fat. enough said.

corn: so much of the corn sold to the American population is genetically engineered.  I don't love it, I don't want to feed it to my children...but am I going to picket?  Probably not.  If you care, search far and wide for non-GMO corn.  Buy local, plant a garden...boycott?  My brain is completely overwhelmed from so much information, I'm resorting to the KISS method.  Keep It Simple Sunshine!

quality: I have searched and scoured the Internet for recipes, recipes and more recipes that will become fan favorites in our home.  I have learned: if it looks weird, it most likely will be.  A recipe can be vegan and still fall into the crap category.  Forcing your children to eat foods they find revolting will never work in your favor.  And, if one is willing to uproot all of their eating habits to adopt a healthier lifestyle, why not do it right.  Do I find it difficult to find the time to prepare healthy meals with quality ingredients for every single meal?  Youbetcha!  So there are days, I open a can of veggie soup and I make a meal of it.  Sanity trumps perfection.

I have learned that one can be a vegetarian/vegan/gluten free and still be unhealthy.  You still have to be dedicated and motivated to reach your goals.  You still  have to work hard and sweat it out...and sometimes, you still need to go to McDonalds.

And with that, I'm ready to kick back and enjoy August.

keep...moving...forward.

So the 21-day Jumpstart didn't quite pan out.  This just so happens to be a few of our busiest weeks out of the whole year.  Typically filled with a lot of fun planned and festivities.  We celebrated our 10th anniversary, my birthday and had a lovely, quite mellow, 4th of July.  All good...except: I am constantly struggling with what to eat and what to feed this hungry little family!  We have found some 'go to' recipes we like...but you can only eat so many soy burgers.  Not to mention I'm trying to cut back on processed foods and teach the girls how to choose healthier snacks.  Cook more, eat out less.

It seems like it should be so simple, but this process has not been so simple. (I feel like that is the theme of EVERY post as of late...) Not just going on a diet, looking for a specific result...swapping out everything in the kitchen!  And hopefully giving us and our future generations a better quality of life.  Just gather up a few recipes and voila - right?  Not so much, it is a constant juggle of finding recipes that would appeal to all of us, shopping for the ingredients and executing a meal that is edible.  Not so simple.  It seems like the more that I search, the more overwhelming it all becomes.  I will admit, at times during this past week, I have wonder if it's all worth the effort.  How easy it would be to order a big fat juicy burger....how easy it would be to grill up some chicken breast and veggies for dinner. How true the saying "ignorance is bliss"  It's really just, at this point, I feel a drive for change. For our health, for the environment, for all of the animals who are forced to live a life so inhumane.  I can't unread the information I've read.  I can't unsee the documentaries.  I can't deny that through many of our conversations, we have felt this is a good cause for our concern and we have committed to change.  All fine and good, but how to convince my girls that these homemade 'granola earth bars' are SO MUCH BETTER than the 'chips ahoy "granola bars"' they are accustomed to.  How do I even compete with chemical laden foods that taste aMAzing? In one of the many books I've been breezing through.  My latest fab find is 'cook without a book; meatless meals'  by Pam Anderson (not to be confused with the hooters Pamela Anderson.)  I finally read something that clicked for me, "all you need to do is master a formula once to open up a whole world of variations and help you break free from the restrictions of "cooking by the book" to use whatever is fresh, in season, on sale - or simply suits your fancy.  And there you have it.  The simple secret.  So now all I have to do is create formulas and switch it up...right? so.very.simple.

I feel as though we are in a foreign country.  You would think it would be easy to just breeze on down to the market and find foods familiar to you...but it's not familiar. And  even though we are brave & willing to experiment...I don't have all my time to devote to our diet...I need to get my booty in the gym!  My will power is failing me when I'm hungry - not knowing what to eat - I snack, on the little convenient items that definitely are NOT diet friendly.  Sure, potato chips are gluten free...but they certainly are not healthy for ANYone.  That said, I could eat a whole friggin bag!

On a good note...the 30 day smoothie challenge is going well.  I was already accustomed to making a smoothie almost every day.  Really, adding some variety was appealing to me and just what I needed.  I have started adding kale to my smoothies and experimenting with throwing in some tasty treats!  Fresh pineapple, coconut, kiwi...and today we have mango! Concentrated nutrition...love! 

day one.

Day one is a success!

Green smoothie - check! However, I didn't do much to switch it up mainly because I didn't make it to the grocery store...and so it was: berries, a banana & spinach...pea protein & almond milk. Tried & true.

However, on the menu for tomorrow is kale & pineapple for a smoothie gone tropical...

For my vegan 21 day jumpstart we kicked the day off with gluten free oatmeal cooked with cinnamon & chopped apples, left over split pea soup for lunch (even better day two - might I say) and for dinner we threw together a Mexican feast with some spanish rice, black beans, corn, & some ground beef tvp mixed with some taco seasoning ...threw it all on my plate with lettuce and voila - amazefest usa. Minus the guac....poor planning on my part.

Girls ate tacos - not a peep about the tvp. Love it.

bringing it into focus.

When we started talking about making some lifestyle changes in the kitchen, we had a lot of thoughts, ideas, feelings, concerns...doubts.  I don't know that we really had an intention in mind.  I know we both felt taking compassion for animals into consideration was a driving force, but not THE driving force.  Our health and fitness was also a driving force, but I believe it was my girls and their futures and their future families that took me from idle to first gear.  When I started to consider all of the issues I've had with my body and my weight and my bad habits...there is nothing I would love more than to instill in my girls a solid grasp on how to eat to live rather than live to eat.  There is a difference.  So, we decided we weren't going to label it, or commit to a title...we were just going to free fall for a bit and see what direction it took us.  I've done hours and hours of research and reading.  I've watched documentaries.  I've sifted through recipes and tried a few...and experimented with a few of my own.  We've had a few disasters (mac & chz in particular) and a few triumphs...and the girls have not only caught on to the trend...but they are actively participating and willingly trying some very foreign foods...bravo ladies!

As I have experimented...I have been disciplined at times, and then not so disciplined and I can very distinctly feel a difference between how I feel when I am eating clean and not so much.  As I have sifted through our cupboards, I have realized just how much of our food is convenient processed food.  There is an app (fooducate) that Skye & I have had so much fun with.  Highly recommend. We went through box after box in our kitchen, scanning the barcodes of our foods and in return were given a grade with an explanation.  Skye was absolutely fascinated.  This shift in our home has inspired so many conversations that have been so wonderful to have with the girls.  If it's not about nutrition, it's about animals - how they are treated or how food is made or how the mass production of food can have an affect on our planet.  But mainly it's about learning and letting it shape and mold us as a family and as individuals.  I don't expect the girls, by any means, to commit to live any certain way for the rest of their lives...but my goal, is to teach them as much as I possibly can in these few years they are home with us...and they will hopefully learn to make educated decisions for their own futures.

And so the journey continues.  Thus far, I've kind of been all over the map, taking it all in, but now I am craving structure.  I think the hardest part is feeling like I'm winging it every day.  Tomorrow kicks off two challenges that I thought might give a little inspiration & focus.  The first is a 30 day green smoothie challenge.  I already drink a smoothie every day, but it's pretty much the same plain jane routine...berries, a banana, a handful of spinach, a scoop of my pea protein and some almond milk.  I need to mix it up a bit and bring some flava.  I think this might help.  The second challenge is a 21-Day Vegan Kickstart.  This is a win-win.  I get recipes delivered to my mailbox with an itemized grocery list.  Does it REALLY get any better than THAT???  I'm sure we won't love all the recipes...I probably won't even cook them all...but I'm thinking we shall find some gems in there somewhere.  

I'm excited to see what July brings!

where's the easy button?

Quite a process this is.  There are so many blogs with so much advice and recipes, and more advice...slightly overwhelming!

So this week I've tried many different types of non-dairy cheeses...my favorite (by far) is the Go Veggies non-dairy (rice) mozzarella shreds.  Our family has embraced Almond Milk.  I started with Vanilla Almond Milk for the girls, but they don't seem to balk too much about the plain unsweetened.  I am still buying them whole grain bread, but would like to eliminate whole wheat/grain from their diet.  This means I will have to either find an alternative that they will actually eat.  Or make our own bread. And crackers? Whoa.  Am I really willing to commit on that level?  That is yet to be seen. The official decision has been made, that we don't necessarily want to be Vegan.  So we bought laying hens.  10 chicks to be exact.  As well as two meat birds, but I'm thinking we won't be too keen on the process.  Unfortunately, we made the mistake of naming these adorable bright yellow chicks...sunshine & buttercup.  In about seven weeks I'll be making some yummy sunshine stew?  Pass.  We have located our local meat source, so when we are looking for a tasty meal to quench that meat craving...we know exactly where that meat is coming from and how it has been raised.  Shout out to Weston's Meat & Poultry!

I think we are in love!

And we have planted the garden. Satisfaction.

I think what I am finding the most difficult, with our busy schedule, (besides now caring for chicks & the garden) is finding the recipes, the time to shop fresh and the time to actually execute the new lifestyle.  The kids want their tried-and-true easy snacks (and secretly...so do I) So, I have to find a way to create easy breezy snacks...that they love enough to be their go-to foods.  So what's the big deal!?!

Well...first of all, I am desperately hungry for my own go-to snacks.  I do find that I am more satisfied with my whole eating...but I still have those late afternoon cravings for something...just something.  Something a little sweet, and a little crunchy...that will give me that boost.

And when I'm out & about...and I need to eat - WHAT do I eat???  I'm sorry, but an apple just doesn't cut it.  I'm beginning to think that I'm a really bad herbivore.  On top of that...with all of the time I'm dumping into our new lifestyle...I'm skipping my workouts, granted, I'm just now on the other side of a hamstring injury.  But now it seems the motivation has caught the 'lazy summer days' virus.

Thank GOODNESS school is out in two days...we can go off the grid for a few months and just explore this new path.  I'm ready to start hitting the farmers markets with my girls.

sitting it out.

Well, nothing brings momentum to a screeching halt like an injury.  I've heard of a hamstring pull, but I had NO idea it was this painful.  I'm not even sure how I've managed it, but I have pulled my hamstrings on both legs.  Just call me 'hobble'.  I've never felt such extreme discomfort with every step, maybe while I was pregnant...but I was growing a human, so it was kind of worth the discomfort.  This is for the birds.  My left hamstring feels the muscle is constantly constricting and it is on FIRE.  Not happy.

So on this lovely Tuesday afternoon, I am sitting home, trying to stay off my legs.  I have caught up on some shows and have been able to research some fabulous recipes.  Could be worse I suppose...could be giving birth. 

http://www.sportsinjuryclinic.net/sport-injuries/thigh-pain/hamstring-strain

http://www.sportsinjuryclinic.net/sport-injuries/thigh-pain/hamstring-strain/hamstring-strain-stretching-exercises

http://www.sportsinjuryclinic.net/sport-injuries/thigh-pain/hamstring-strain/strengthening-exercises-hamstrings

gettin our grub on. sort of.

So change is hard.  We are such creatures of habit, it is hard to break patterns & adopt new ones. When eating revolves around pretty much everything...breakfast, lunch, dinner, food on the go, snacks, barbecues with friends...DESSERTS.  If this is for good, forever, never going back...then I am reinventing our whole meal plan - forever! I am constantly thinking "what am I going to eat???" and..."can I get the kids to eat it...?"  Jeremy is pretty easy, he'll eat whatever I make.  He's also a little more relaxed with his parameters he's staying within....works for me.

I have been scouring website after website trying to find recipes that will be crowd pleasers.  I thought the logical way to start would be taking recipes we love and altering them to fit into our new & improved lifestyle.  But that backfired because we expect our food to taste like we are use to it tasting and the alterations are rejected.  And so, I've decided...let our favorites be our favorites.  How much of a treat will it be for the girls to have good'ole shepherds pie at Memere's house.  Memere will be a HERO just by making an old fan favorite!!! It's a win-win!

Let the experimentation begin!!!  I made a stir fry last week, and I must say it was so awful - I wouldn't even eat it.  How do you mess up a stir fry?...seriously. TRUTH - the girls have had a lot of cereal this week.  However, I have found an unexpected bonus...when you try countless foods that taste awful, it's so exciting to find something that tastes good that it tastes AMAZING and becomes an immediate favorite.  WIN!

Learning curve is a little sharp.

Just pulled my first vegan-gluten free banana bread out of the oven...house smells awesome.  Good sign.

may madness.

May is ending already.  I'm a little shocked, and a little relieved...actually a lot relieved.  I feel as though the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders as I pass the PTA torch on and join the patrons in the wings.  I knew it would be challenge to juggle the odyssey's of  PTA ...but this year was extra special (heavy on the sarcasm.)  I have learned so much about character, what defines character and the lack thereof.  I am at peace, and ready to move on. 

This year, and maybe even for several years, I have been on a personal journey to just feel healthy.  My level of motivation wavers, as does my attention.  I have to find that one thing that clicks with my body and makes sense to me.  I have struggled with depression and anxiety, I have struggled with my weight...my body reacts to everything from taking vitamins to taking birth control.  I'll admit, it use to be a vain quest to lost weight, but there has been a shift to feel whole and healthy and ingrain in my girls healthy habits to raise their own families with.  I have searched high & low for this thing I'm looking for...I have taken courses, I have read the theory of just about every diet under the sun, and I have tried many of them as well.  Eat for 8 hours, eat carbs, don't eat carbs, reset your metabolism, how wheat is killing us...the abs diet, the sugar diet, the cabbage soup diet, the Atkins diet, the Mediterranean diet.  Why French women don't get fat, and why Americans do.  I've watched documentary after documentary and read about the results of one clinical study after another.  Jeremy, although he's always been fit and thin, has joined me in his own desire to be healthy.  After books, conversations and documentaries...I think we have finally come to the conclusion that we are comfortable with the idea of lowering our animal-product consumption and having a mostly plant based diet.  We don't feel the need to be 100% vegan, but we do want to be 100% conscious of where our food is coming from and what we are putting in our bodies.  I am excited about where our seeking a healthier lifestyle has lead us and how open our hearts are.  I am thankful Jeremy is so willing to dive right in.  I'm thankful that our girls are young and still so receptive to embracing change.  Skye has always told me that when she's old enough to make her own choices, she is going to be a vegetarian....she didn't even have to wait that long!  I think Jeremy and I both have been intrigued and somewhat attracted to the idea of Veganism, but to truly transition is a bit daunting.  Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew animals weren't treated 'fairly', but I guess I've always been willing to justify those thoughts with the sad realities of how the food chain works.  And thankful that I'm at the top of that food chain...

This journey might be long...but family is really what my life is all about right now, and nutrition is a big part of that, so I'm thinking I've got the time. 

First step, plant a garden.  Right.

sayonara soy

On my journey to "trim the fat" I made a commitment that I would strive to change my lifestyle in healthy ways that wouldn't fall under the 'diet in vain' category.  My biggest fear was that I would crash diet & pump my system full of chemicals, lose the weight, abstain from all my favorites only to reach my goal - let my guard down and gain it all back.  I definitely try new tricks of the trade to see how I react.  I love experimenting, but nothings seems to work like a healthy diet and exercise.  I have learned so much about processed foods and how food can be the earths greatest medicine for the illnesses that plague our society.  However, eating clean is takes constant persistence and effort and planning.  It's difficult when I want one of my quick and easy go-tos and I must say...I often hit my roadblocks.  Chocolate cravings, I remedy with high-antioxidant dark chocolate squares.  One after my meal and it keeps my dessert cravings at bay.  Salt cravings I have tried to combat with experiments like kale chips & roasted chickpeas.

spicy oven roasted chickpeas

baked kale chips

One of my biggest roadblocks has been my aversion to dairy.  Most all of the 'diet' gurus go bananas for dairy...more calcium!!!  But I absolutely HATE fermented cream, so needless to say Greek yogurt has been a challenge.  Milk upsets my stomach if I drink too much, so protein shakes have been even more challenging.  And so I have remedied my milk problem with soy.  I've been careful to choose soy milk that is made with the whole soybean, but still, I keep reading about the cons of Soy and how soy products release a byproduct that mimics our estrogen, which leads to belly fat, one of my biggest problem areas.

In my quest to kick this plateau. I have decided to replace my soy with almond milk.  Originally, I had reasoned that soy milk was better because it has more protein than almond milk.  But I am stuck and I don't want to give up...so it's time to make a few tweaks & reboot the metabolism.

sayonara-to-soy

flatbread = love.

Want alot more pizza with a little less guilt???

Flatbread

Quality local ingredients.  Lovely atmosphere.  Stellar service.

Go. Now.

& eat the brownie sunday.

Amazeballs.

yin & yang.

The concept of yin-yang which is often called "yin and yang", is used to describe how seemingly opposite or contrary forces are interconnected and interdependent in the natural world; and, how they give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another.

As parents, we know these contrary forces well.  They are the monsters that wake our children from their slumbers and the angels that watch over our children while they sleep, good and evil, joy and sorrow, health and disease.  We want our children to feel all of the good and none of the bad, but it seems no matter how we try to shelter and protect them, we can not shield them from the evils of the world.

Our family spent the Patriot's Day holiday weekend in Hampton, NH and we had the most wonderful weekend.   Carelessly walking along Hampton beach and peeking around the boardwalk.  Flying kites, chasing waves, exploring a little summer town we had never been to.  Eating WAY TOO MUCH and then eating some more.  We played with our koko and laughed at her new found obsession with seagulls.  We enjoyed having breakfast prepared for us every morning and a dip in the pool & hot tub when our days activities had come to a close. On Sunday we visited a ward in Exeter and felt the sweet spirit of truth as we laughed and discussed our faith among strangers that felt uniquely like friends.  Such a testament that our souls understand the same truths and feel unified by our love for the Savior.  In our Sunday-School, visitors were introduced.  A gentleman from an older couple shared that they were travelling through because he was running the Boston Marathon on the next day.  It was his third time running the Boston Marathon, but his wife had said he had run close to 20 marathons if not more.  Among the group there were smiles and gleeful congratulations at this man's accomplishments and upcoming event.  My immediate thought was that I would love to take the girls to watch the marathon and how in just a few years they would love and appreciate the energy and camaraderie of the crowd welcoming in the marathon runners. Gathering up the girls from  Primary, it warmed my heart that they were giving hugs and saying their goodbyes to their new friends.  Ella even asked if we could come back and visit next week...eerily unusual for her.

Monday was spent packing up and playing on the beach.  Memories made and hearts full, we drove up to Portland and ate the most bomb-diggity flatbread pizzas at one of our newly found fav spots in Portland. Flatbread.  As I was prepping to send out my rave review on facebook I started noticing some daunting posts from my fb family...and then I saw a post about the devastating explosions from bombs that had been planted at the finish line of the marathon in Boston.  I was overcome with emotion that a place meant to be an avenue of personal triumph and celebration was transformed into a gravesite within seconds.  I felt devastated that it felt unsafe to take our children to even the most family friendly of events.  I felt sickened that only hours before we wished that lovely couple well on their way to the very marathon that was tainted by terrorism.  I was distraught for all those times I felt thankful that we didn't have to fear suicide-bombers among our city streets, and how those sentiments seem to be becoming a sentiment of the past.

As reactions trickle in among the many avenues of social media...people are sad, angry, thankful, giving...and grieving.  We sit and watch the news feeling so very helpless.  I just wish I could keep my precious little family safe in the shelter of my love.  But I know that the only thing I can do for sure, is to continue to have faith.  I can't protect them, I can only love them through whatever lies ahead; good or bad.

 

 

Terrorism strikes Boston

stronger...

There is something to be said about feeling your strength increase.  Pounds & inches are slow to show results, but it doesn't take long to feel your endurance & strength increase.  It offers a challenge to keep altering the routine and resistance...and to stay motivated to keep momentum.  I feel awakened.  I am grateful. 

gratitude.

I often have those moments that time slows down just briefly enough to catch a glimpse of my life, almost as if standing on the other side of the window looking in.   I see my girls and my husband and I marvel at how lucky we are to be healthy and happy.  Life most certainly is not one blissful moment after another...we have our share of disagreements and with three girls in the house we have pleanty of screaming!  But I love our crazy.  Life just wouldn't make sense without it.

the dreaded plateau...

After one has lost 30 pounds, one feels elated.  For a short while anyway.  Now I find myself stuck and frustrated.  I eat well, not perfectly clean...I nurse my sweet tooth and have a sorted addiction to diet coke.  Not all day, but a couple every day...not so bad when you consider diet coke replaced wine!  And so now here I wallow, on a plateau of woe & misery. 

What I really want to do is sit and eat a red velvet cake with my bare hands and just squirt the delectable frosting in my mouth...

But I won't.

I will find a way to kick it into high gear....right after my sweet love affair with red velvet.

L.O.V.E.

happy st. patricks day!

This is the third st. pattys day without our three Irish beverages of the past...green beer, guiness & boddington. Sober living has most definitely changed the face of our Irish celebration, but I have embraced the holiday as a fun family festivity...rather than a wicked long hangover.  Tonight I made my first corned beef & cabbage dinner.  The girls were brave, but not fans of the fatty meal.  The husband was kind as it wasn't quite done to perfection.  And, the dessert...a trifle of layered green cake, green vanilla pudding and whipped cream was a grand success. 

To say I've been a lucky gal is a supreme understatement.  I owe a lot to the luck that has given me such a wonderful life that I live.  I might stress & worry my fair share, but only because I treasure this crazy little world that we have created.  We don't have all of the things that we'd like to have, but we have all that we need & more. 

live to eat....or eat to live.

I have a serious love affair (addiction) with my food.  I absolutely love everything about nutrition and learning about food and how it nurtures our bodies and how our bodies accept and reject foods.  I read about it, understand it and (for the most part) apply it...except.  Except when it comes down to the forsaken.  The sweets.

I have done so well to eliminate foods from my diet. I will not touch a donut.  I made that decision years ago, when I decided I was going to lose the weight...donuts were a HUGE (pardon the pun) obstacle for me, so I decided we would have to part ways...as well as scones, cakes, pies, brownies...pastries in general, fudge, rocky road ice cream....and I lost some weight.  Voila!  Even better, I've maintained the weight loss.  I'm not where I would like to be.  But I know, at this point, I need to kick it into high gear.  Which, I have been slowly gearing up to do.  I have the plan, I have the tools, I've been running to increase my endurance.   Doing all the right things....right?  Well for love of everything unholy...I can NOT keep a dessert out of my mouth to save my everloving life.  Yesterday, I bought cookie dough to make cookies for the bake sale, and I pretty much ate my weight in cookie dough!  WHAT?  One would think after a few bites I would stop myself....and I considered it, but I didn't stop. Oh no.  I did not stop.  Not only did I NOT stop...but after my workout, I had McDs!  Only because our schedule has been so crazy and going from the gym straight to the school for our fabulous flamin' raymin show...but whatever-- no excuses here, so McDs it is.  I did not get the grilled chicken snack wrap, hold the sauce...I got the burger WITH the EFFING fries (WTF is wrong with me???)  One might say, "Sara...get a hold of yourself!"...but I did not stop there.  OH NO.  Staring at a table full of brownies & cookies (that I had already had my fair share of, ahem.) cupcakes...and wouldn't you know it...I spy fruity pebbles marshmallow treats.  I have ALWAYS wanted to try those...and I so did.  I murderized that beast.  Even when my body was done and wanted no more...it was my brain saying (in a very threatening tone, might I add...)  "you have already done it, you have already eaten most of this delicious tasty children's treat...you are going to FINISH. every. last. bite."

Again today...have I refrained from the rice krispie treats?  or the brownies?  or the brownies with frosting laced with corn flakes (interesting little twist)  Nope.  Those miles I ran last week, were cheapened by my complete lack of commitment in these two days filled with edible sin.  I am weak.  I am so very weak.  I need to break this cycle.  I need to stop the madness!!!

WHAT must I do!?!  I need a detox.  I need a plan.  I need a straight-jacket.  I need a padded room.

giving thanks.

Looking  back on my life, I can definitely recognize the valleys and the peaks.  I know that I am at a peak right now.  I am blessed to have moments that I feel driven to kneel in prayer and give thanks for this life I have been given.  It's not perfect...we don't have all of the 'things' or the 'money' that we want...but I have countless treasures outside of those categories to be thankful for.  I have been given just a glimpse of how fleeting my time is with the girls...and although patience can be a virtue not often found, as of late, I find myself wanting to hold on to this time with my little ladies.  Marriage after 10 years isn't always a state of bliss, but to look back and see the valleys we've walked through, blind at times, I know that we are blessed to have hung on for dear life.  It was worth it.

I have been giving myself more time these days.  Time to get back in touch with me.  Time to exercise, time to be quiet and think.  Just time.  Because I'm finding out...I'm worth it too.  I have gotten in touch with my inner runner...I had a feeling she was there, I just wasn't very motivated to find her...and I think I like her.  I'm shocked to even think it!

Life is so very strange.  I always suspected that I might be a little backwards, but as friends dread getting older I just love it!  I am loving my thirties!  Love it!

decisions.

There is something daunting about adult decisions.  Especially when it comes to the girls.  Making decisions on their behalf.  Will they love it or will they hate it?  Will it be good for their education or will it hinder their education?  Will they flourish or flounder?

I'm beginning to think this whole "follow your heart" system is flawed.

bollocks.

and here we are.

My first entry of 2013.  Not a peep about a new year, new aspirations...resolutions to be great and do great things.  Truth is, I don't think I've stopped moving since the holidays (besides a few sick days right after Christmas!)  To be accurate, I don't think I've stopped moving since September!  I've had a certificate to the spa since my birthday...and it sits, tucked safely in the gift bag waiting for me to snatch it up and go relax in the sweet bliss of oblivion.  Knowing myself, as I do, I'm pretty sure I would sit and pine about my list of things I need to be doing rather than enjoying being in the moment. 

Note to self: go to the spa and enjoy being in the moment.  Right.

I am stuck.  This last week has been a doozey for me; try as I might, to visualize a solution to my internal struggle to a communal problem...I have yet to take action or make my position known.  Where do I sit?  This is the age old, if you're not with us...you're against us.  Does peer pressure really exist at this age...really?  ...if I really sit still and focus, and shush all of the internal chatter and mind- boggling debate, what it boils down to is this.  I know what is right, I know that no matter what position I take, somebody won't like it.  I know many don't like me and how I operate.  I'm ok with this.  I'm just a girl.  I'm a girl who likes to flit through life...I am sober and unapologetic for what comes out of my mouth...and with that comes a greater responsibility to filter what DOES come out of my mouth.  I'm not very good about filtering. I am thankful for a group of girlfriends whom I can be unfiltered with...it makes the difference between sanity and pure madness.  I believe kindness and a smile do make a difference.  The darkest times in my life are those when I didn't care how others felt or how my actions would effect another.  I do believe in choosing the right.  I do believe in being a good example.  I believe that if I just sit still long enough and visualize and pray...maybe, just maybe, I can handle myself with just a little grace.  Maybe.