ten weeks, two days, and counting...

I've decided that I'm ready to write about ten weeks & two days ago...the day I learned that the life I lived was not the life I thought it was.  The man I have been married to for a decade was not so much that man I thought I knew.  To be fair, we have been distant for most of our marriage, disconnected...superficial.  We have always done life well, but we are the masters of distraction.  Looking back, I have written quite a bit about the constant distractions and the overwhelming levels of broken satisfaction we got out of never stopping long enough to see reality.  The subconscious juggle of not really wanting to look suspicion in the face.  I'm not quite sure where this story starts.  Does it start when we fell in love? Can you really call it love? Did we ever REALLY fall in love? Does this story start the day we got married and vows were spoken among the veil of lies?  Does it begin with the prayer, the night I began to feel the sweet spirit warn me to prepare myself for the storm that was rapidly approaching? Or the night the beginning of the truths were shared?  The first words of truth being spoken in our home, truths which would be delivered throughout much of these past two months among countless lies.

I'm not sure of much at this point, but there are a few things that I believe wholeheartedly....

as much as I suffer now, trying to grasp the reality of this past decade, my husband has suffered a lifetime.

as much as I am hurt about the truths I have had to hear, my husband anguishes about the hurt he has caused me.

My husband is paralyzed by an addiction that he is trying to unravel and pull the plug on.  This addiction took  root in my husband as a child and has buried itself so deep within the man I married...that he struggles to find himself in what is now the vast desolation.

Even though I have felt lost, alone and so very broken, I know my faith has sheltered me from this storm that continues to fiercely wage on.  I have felt doubts and I have thought thoughts that are darker than I ever knew existed within' me.  For each moment I have thought..."I can do this" directly behind it was a tsunami of destruction leaving me even more devastated than before.  I have begged for the sunlight to break through the storm, although I have seen glimpses, the warmth of the sun has yet to make an appearance.  In my darkest moments, I have begged for the end of all as I know it as my heart has broken in ways I couldn't fathom.  I feel I now understand now where the soul exists.  Somewhere in between our physical being and the veils of the spirit world, we are connected in a way that links us to both realms. I believe the soul is the element that binds the physical and spiritual.  I have felt sorrow to the depths of my soul, and seen my husband grasp at the very strings of his soul as he processes the reality of his path, both past and future.  Change is hard, especially for somebody who retreats into the darkness of addiction.

... what I know for sure is that there is strength to be found in weakness.  I will only break if I allow this to break me.  I seek for understanding and a greater faith than I even knew possible.  

Ten weeks and two days ago, life as I knew it came to a screeching halt. My new life has been dark and has felt utterly impossible to maneuver.  However, I am growing to understand that the past was lit with artificial light and no matter the path ahead, each step is taken deliberately to a life more genuine than I've ever known.  I only need just enough light to take the step in front of me, and the faith to know that it is my Savior who is holding the candle.

less is more.

I thought I would try to sneak in one last post before we say 'so long' to July and welcome in August.  July is always our month of celebration and excitement...August is our month of grasping at the last sweet days of summer.  Summer has taken new shape in our home this year...the girls are enjoying late nights and late morning slumbers.  I am enjoying quiet mornings, which will come to a screeching halt in just a few weeks *sigh....

As far as our eating goes....I was finding myself a bit stressed and decided to adopt a 'less is more' attitude.  We've, for the most part, been successful at embracing a meatless diet.  Dairy - not so much.  In a nutshell:

gluten free: unless it's done with very high quality products, recipes and huge amounts of effort...gluten free is a highly processed and a high glycemic alternative to whole grains.  I miss my whole grains...but have cut way back on the whole wheat.  I'm getting a lot of fiber from the rest of my diet...and enough is just enough.

dairy: I love my cheese and I miss my yogurt.  I have found some alternatives that I do enjoy, but why spend my life gagging down foods I don't enjoy???  I find that I do feel a heavy heart knowing that living creatures are seriously abused and mistreated to produce these amazing foods for us, 100%.  I have decided that I need to find a peaceful balance in this battle of nurture vs nature.  We have replaced milk with almond milk.  All are happy = all is well.  We have given 11 beautiful chicks a lovely home, they truly are a part of our family (although we still struggle with what to do with our beloved meat bird...bit of a quandary)  I have cut back on our cheese consumption, but let us let facts be facts - some recipes just NEED cheese.  I will research a local means of having fresh and friendly cheese in our diet.  And I just need my yogurt.  That is all.

soy: processed soy = fat. enough said.

corn: so much of the corn sold to the American population is genetically engineered.  I don't love it, I don't want to feed it to my children...but am I going to picket?  Probably not.  If you care, search far and wide for non-GMO corn.  Buy local, plant a garden...boycott?  My brain is completely overwhelmed from so much information, I'm resorting to the KISS method.  Keep It Simple Sunshine!

quality: I have searched and scoured the Internet for recipes, recipes and more recipes that will become fan favorites in our home.  I have learned: if it looks weird, it most likely will be.  A recipe can be vegan and still fall into the crap category.  Forcing your children to eat foods they find revolting will never work in your favor.  And, if one is willing to uproot all of their eating habits to adopt a healthier lifestyle, why not do it right.  Do I find it difficult to find the time to prepare healthy meals with quality ingredients for every single meal?  Youbetcha!  So there are days, I open a can of veggie soup and I make a meal of it.  Sanity trumps perfection.

I have learned that one can be a vegetarian/vegan/gluten free and still be unhealthy.  You still have to be dedicated and motivated to reach your goals.  You still  have to work hard and sweat it out...and sometimes, you still need to go to McDonalds.

And with that, I'm ready to kick back and enjoy August.

keep...moving...forward.

So the 21-day Jumpstart didn't quite pan out.  This just so happens to be a few of our busiest weeks out of the whole year.  Typically filled with a lot of fun planned and festivities.  We celebrated our 10th anniversary, my birthday and had a lovely, quite mellow, 4th of July.  All good...except: I am constantly struggling with what to eat and what to feed this hungry little family!  We have found some 'go to' recipes we like...but you can only eat so many soy burgers.  Not to mention I'm trying to cut back on processed foods and teach the girls how to choose healthier snacks.  Cook more, eat out less.

It seems like it should be so simple, but this process has not been so simple. (I feel like that is the theme of EVERY post as of late...) Not just going on a diet, looking for a specific result...swapping out everything in the kitchen!  And hopefully giving us and our future generations a better quality of life.  Just gather up a few recipes and voila - right?  Not so much, it is a constant juggle of finding recipes that would appeal to all of us, shopping for the ingredients and executing a meal that is edible.  Not so simple.  It seems like the more that I search, the more overwhelming it all becomes.  I will admit, at times during this past week, I have wonder if it's all worth the effort.  How easy it would be to order a big fat juicy burger....how easy it would be to grill up some chicken breast and veggies for dinner. How true the saying "ignorance is bliss"  It's really just, at this point, I feel a drive for change. For our health, for the environment, for all of the animals who are forced to live a life so inhumane.  I can't unread the information I've read.  I can't unsee the documentaries.  I can't deny that through many of our conversations, we have felt this is a good cause for our concern and we have committed to change.  All fine and good, but how to convince my girls that these homemade 'granola earth bars' are SO MUCH BETTER than the 'chips ahoy "granola bars"' they are accustomed to.  How do I even compete with chemical laden foods that taste aMAzing? In one of the many books I've been breezing through.  My latest fab find is 'cook without a book; meatless meals'  by Pam Anderson (not to be confused with the hooters Pamela Anderson.)  I finally read something that clicked for me, "all you need to do is master a formula once to open up a whole world of variations and help you break free from the restrictions of "cooking by the book" to use whatever is fresh, in season, on sale - or simply suits your fancy.  And there you have it.  The simple secret.  So now all I have to do is create formulas and switch it up...right? so.very.simple.

I feel as though we are in a foreign country.  You would think it would be easy to just breeze on down to the market and find foods familiar to you...but it's not familiar. And  even though we are brave & willing to experiment...I don't have all my time to devote to our diet...I need to get my booty in the gym!  My will power is failing me when I'm hungry - not knowing what to eat - I snack, on the little convenient items that definitely are NOT diet friendly.  Sure, potato chips are gluten free...but they certainly are not healthy for ANYone.  That said, I could eat a whole friggin bag!

On a good note...the 30 day smoothie challenge is going well.  I was already accustomed to making a smoothie almost every day.  Really, adding some variety was appealing to me and just what I needed.  I have started adding kale to my smoothies and experimenting with throwing in some tasty treats!  Fresh pineapple, coconut, kiwi...and today we have mango! Concentrated nutrition...love! 

day one.

Day one is a success!

Green smoothie - check! However, I didn't do much to switch it up mainly because I didn't make it to the grocery store...and so it was: berries, a banana & spinach...pea protein & almond milk. Tried & true.

However, on the menu for tomorrow is kale & pineapple for a smoothie gone tropical...

For my vegan 21 day jumpstart we kicked the day off with gluten free oatmeal cooked with cinnamon & chopped apples, left over split pea soup for lunch (even better day two - might I say) and for dinner we threw together a Mexican feast with some spanish rice, black beans, corn, & some ground beef tvp mixed with some taco seasoning ...threw it all on my plate with lettuce and voila - amazefest usa. Minus the guac....poor planning on my part.

Girls ate tacos - not a peep about the tvp. Love it.

bringing it into focus.

When we started talking about making some lifestyle changes in the kitchen, we had a lot of thoughts, ideas, feelings, concerns...doubts.  I don't know that we really had an intention in mind.  I know we both felt taking compassion for animals into consideration was a driving force, but not THE driving force.  Our health and fitness was also a driving force, but I believe it was my girls and their futures and their future families that took me from idle to first gear.  When I started to consider all of the issues I've had with my body and my weight and my bad habits...there is nothing I would love more than to instill in my girls a solid grasp on how to eat to live rather than live to eat.  There is a difference.  So, we decided we weren't going to label it, or commit to a title...we were just going to free fall for a bit and see what direction it took us.  I've done hours and hours of research and reading.  I've watched documentaries.  I've sifted through recipes and tried a few...and experimented with a few of my own.  We've had a few disasters (mac & chz in particular) and a few triumphs...and the girls have not only caught on to the trend...but they are actively participating and willingly trying some very foreign foods...bravo ladies!

As I have experimented...I have been disciplined at times, and then not so disciplined and I can very distinctly feel a difference between how I feel when I am eating clean and not so much.  As I have sifted through our cupboards, I have realized just how much of our food is convenient processed food.  There is an app (fooducate) that Skye & I have had so much fun with.  Highly recommend. We went through box after box in our kitchen, scanning the barcodes of our foods and in return were given a grade with an explanation.  Skye was absolutely fascinated.  This shift in our home has inspired so many conversations that have been so wonderful to have with the girls.  If it's not about nutrition, it's about animals - how they are treated or how food is made or how the mass production of food can have an affect on our planet.  But mainly it's about learning and letting it shape and mold us as a family and as individuals.  I don't expect the girls, by any means, to commit to live any certain way for the rest of their lives...but my goal, is to teach them as much as I possibly can in these few years they are home with us...and they will hopefully learn to make educated decisions for their own futures.

And so the journey continues.  Thus far, I've kind of been all over the map, taking it all in, but now I am craving structure.  I think the hardest part is feeling like I'm winging it every day.  Tomorrow kicks off two challenges that I thought might give a little inspiration & focus.  The first is a 30 day green smoothie challenge.  I already drink a smoothie every day, but it's pretty much the same plain jane routine...berries, a banana, a handful of spinach, a scoop of my pea protein and some almond milk.  I need to mix it up a bit and bring some flava.  I think this might help.  The second challenge is a 21-Day Vegan Kickstart.  This is a win-win.  I get recipes delivered to my mailbox with an itemized grocery list.  Does it REALLY get any better than THAT???  I'm sure we won't love all the recipes...I probably won't even cook them all...but I'm thinking we shall find some gems in there somewhere.  

I'm excited to see what July brings!

where's the easy button?

Quite a process this is.  There are so many blogs with so much advice and recipes, and more advice...slightly overwhelming!

So this week I've tried many different types of non-dairy cheeses...my favorite (by far) is the Go Veggies non-dairy (rice) mozzarella shreds.  Our family has embraced Almond Milk.  I started with Vanilla Almond Milk for the girls, but they don't seem to balk too much about the plain unsweetened.  I am still buying them whole grain bread, but would like to eliminate whole wheat/grain from their diet.  This means I will have to either find an alternative that they will actually eat.  Or make our own bread. And crackers? Whoa.  Am I really willing to commit on that level?  That is yet to be seen. The official decision has been made, that we don't necessarily want to be Vegan.  So we bought laying hens.  10 chicks to be exact.  As well as two meat birds, but I'm thinking we won't be too keen on the process.  Unfortunately, we made the mistake of naming these adorable bright yellow chicks...sunshine & buttercup.  In about seven weeks I'll be making some yummy sunshine stew?  Pass.  We have located our local meat source, so when we are looking for a tasty meal to quench that meat craving...we know exactly where that meat is coming from and how it has been raised.  Shout out to Weston's Meat & Poultry!

I think we are in love!

And we have planted the garden. Satisfaction.

I think what I am finding the most difficult, with our busy schedule, (besides now caring for chicks & the garden) is finding the recipes, the time to shop fresh and the time to actually execute the new lifestyle.  The kids want their tried-and-true easy snacks (and secretly...so do I) So, I have to find a way to create easy breezy snacks...that they love enough to be their go-to foods.  So what's the big deal!?!

Well...first of all, I am desperately hungry for my own go-to snacks.  I do find that I am more satisfied with my whole eating...but I still have those late afternoon cravings for something...just something.  Something a little sweet, and a little crunchy...that will give me that boost.

And when I'm out & about...and I need to eat - WHAT do I eat???  I'm sorry, but an apple just doesn't cut it.  I'm beginning to think that I'm a really bad herbivore.  On top of that...with all of the time I'm dumping into our new lifestyle...I'm skipping my workouts, granted, I'm just now on the other side of a hamstring injury.  But now it seems the motivation has caught the 'lazy summer days' virus.

Thank GOODNESS school is out in two days...we can go off the grid for a few months and just explore this new path.  I'm ready to start hitting the farmers markets with my girls.

sitting it out.

Well, nothing brings momentum to a screeching halt like an injury.  I've heard of a hamstring pull, but I had NO idea it was this painful.  I'm not even sure how I've managed it, but I have pulled my hamstrings on both legs.  Just call me 'hobble'.  I've never felt such extreme discomfort with every step, maybe while I was pregnant...but I was growing a human, so it was kind of worth the discomfort.  This is for the birds.  My left hamstring feels the muscle is constantly constricting and it is on FIRE.  Not happy.

So on this lovely Tuesday afternoon, I am sitting home, trying to stay off my legs.  I have caught up on some shows and have been able to research some fabulous recipes.  Could be worse I suppose...could be giving birth. 

http://www.sportsinjuryclinic.net/sport-injuries/thigh-pain/hamstring-strain

http://www.sportsinjuryclinic.net/sport-injuries/thigh-pain/hamstring-strain/hamstring-strain-stretching-exercises

http://www.sportsinjuryclinic.net/sport-injuries/thigh-pain/hamstring-strain/strengthening-exercises-hamstrings