faith over fear.

I was reading this morning and a reference was made to  (1 John 4:18)  "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear"

My mind trailed off of the subject of the talk I was reading as I thought about my own life and tendencies.  What is the fear that stems from love?  For instance...I love so deeply and so wholly that my greatest fear is..."when will the bottom drop out?"  It's not that I have a perfect life, but I love the life I have.  I love that I have a husband who still laughs at me and makes me laugh...and that our home is not laden with dysfunction.  Or rather, we have a healthy amount of dysfunction...life would be dreadfully boring without just enough dysfunction to keep it  laced with humor.  I have two beautiful girls who are healthy and have bright futures.  Laying the foundation of healthy lives and traditions with them is an honor....and I look to the future with hope and anticipation.

That said, there is a dark side to all of my gratefulness, and that is fear.  The knowledge that in just a blink of an eye it could all be taken away.  Although it sounds morbid, this truly could be a paralyzing fear for me.  If I allowed myself to dwell in it...and I can say, for a short while I went to that place, and I dwelled in it.  It took years to unravel those fears and replace them with healthy parameters.  I remember one time in particular when I was in a grocery store and I didn't like how this man looked at Skye (she must have been around 12 months)  That fear started a domino effect of possible scenarios that resulted in a paralyzing panick attack in the bathroom stall of that store and ultimately led to my seeking help and medication for anxiety.

Years later and a few different therapist's later, whom hold a special place in my heart...each of them...in their own dysfunctional ways.  I have yet to meet a therapist that wasn't just a little dysfunctional themselves, which might be why I related to them so well (lightbulb!)  But years later, I am here.  Loving my life and constantly trying to keep my fear in balance with my faith.  I only wish I could cultivate this perfect love to eliminate my fear, but that is where my faith kicks in.  It is my deepest desire to cultivate the type of faith that allows me to fully trust.  I have no control over the greater plan, but I do trust that I will find depth and meaning in all the triumphs as well as trials of this life I live.